I have a lot of anniversaries coming up, recently passed, etc and it's so hard to believe that I'm where I am today. I look at where I was a year ago, two years ago, five years ago, ten years ago, and there's a part of me that wonders how so much time has passed, and, more importantly, who I have become over the course of the last however many years. I hate to be cliché (no I don't), but it's been a journey. I've faced a lot of stuff, made some really hard choices, and muscled through whatever came my way. That, however, is not even marginally specific, so I figure I'll add a few things to that list.
The turning point for me was a year ago when I finally moved out of the apartment I was sharing with my psychotic roommate (See Becca and the tale of the psychotic roommate). Though I'd made the decision to move before he completely went off the deep end, it was that final act of signing the new lease earlier than expected and getting my crap out of there as soon as was humanly possible that brought me great peace and joy. This was the first in a series of events/decisions/what have you, where I advocated for myself and decided that I deserved more than sheer, unyielding misery. Several months later, I left the job that was making me very unhappy (though I learned and gained a tremendous amount from it) and started a job where I wasn't constantly in a position of proving myself. I wanted so badly for that other job to work, convincing myself it was the perfect company and position, that I was blinded to the fact that it was destroying me.
In short, I said enough already and took charge of my life. I realized that if I didn't believe in myself and decide that I was worth it - no one else had any reason to think differently. It was simple, but it sure as hell wasn't easy. I had to challenge fifteen+ years of self-hatred, often kicking and screaming that it wasn't fair and why should I have to change? Didn't I work hard enough already? I had to say to myself, Becca, put on your big girl pants (thanks Heidi!) and decide if this is what you want. I had to come to peace with the fact that it was okay if I wanted nothing more than the life I was living, but that took away my right to complain about it. I was incredibly bitter that all the people who told me that I teach other people how to treat me were totally right (I mean really, really bitter). There were a lot of tears, a lot of really hard conversations with people who forced me to face the truth and deal with, and a lot of decisions on my part that I would keep going, no matter how much I wanted to give up.
I say the same thing I heard so many times - if I can do it, trust me, dude - anyone can do it. How did I finish the first semester after my Mom died with straight A's? I put all my grief and energy into school. How did I cut ties with people in my family who were causing me pain and lose some of the people I grew up with? I found other people who made me feel valuable and taken care of. How did I graduate from college (the only one in my immediate family to do so) with no financial support and some serious health issues? I worked five jobs (not something I'd recommend, just for the record), changed some plans, dropped some classes, and turned in papers I wasn't happy with just so I could finish. I thought I'd put out there - I still haven't looked at my final grades and I graduated almost six years ago - apparently there are some truths I'm not ready to face yet.
Basically, I worked my ass off and realized that the only other option was not to survive, and that didn't seem like a viable alternative. People ask me all the time how I did it. They say they never could have made it through so much. Well - you'd be amazed what you're able to do when you have no other options. You'd be amazed what options you can find when you think it's completely impossible. I found that I had to be really clear with myself about what I was willing to sacrifice and what I wasn't. I had a lot of people with very different values who often thought I was making the wrong decision. No matter what, I always made the decision that was right for me and dealt with the good and bad things that came with it. I went with my instincts and learned to change them when they led me in the wrong direction. None of this was any miracle. Though I can look back and see when the changes happened, there were no 'a-ha moments'. Every choice and decision built on top of another one to get me to where I am today. I've got to say, I'm pretty freaking proud of where I am today, and so excited to see where I'll be tomorrow.
Thus ending the sappy post.
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