This serves to acknowledge receipt of the giant can of whoop-ass delivered over the last 60 days. I would like to assure you that your absolute reign and authority over the state of Illinois is understood to be greater than all of the Daleys combined, as indicated by the Lake Shore Drive incident several weeks ago. Texas, California, and New York do not have the storage space required to accept your shipments, and kindly request that you forward their deliveries to Siberia. No further demonstration of your power is necessary, I'm pretty sure the world gets it by now. I request that you cease delivery, or at least provide a good pair of ice skates and a covered garage so I can get to work as required.
Your humble servant,
Becca
Dear druggies down the hall:
Though I am sure the bowl you just smoked was, as you claimed, 'so dope,' it was not my intention to get a contact high while taking my laundry upstairs. You might remember signing a lease that said mari-ju-a-na is bad, Febreze is good. Next time, take it to the wide expanse of land surrounding the complex.
Your (now hungrier) hallmate,
Becca
Dear Apartment Complex:
I propose a compromise that will suit both of our needs quite well. You remove snow from the entire path - not just a half of it - and place salt on the areas formerly occupied by snow, thereby ensuring I do not suffer a concussion from falling backward on the skating rink that was once my sidewalk.
I, in turn, will be alive, and able to pay my rent.
Is this a suitable arrangement?
Sincerely,
Becca (the bruised and battered)
Dear State of FL:
It has come to my attention that you have declared a monopoly on "lovely weather" and this serves as legal notice to cease and desist. Additionally, you are hereby forbidden to use the following words or phrases: Cold, Freezing, Chilly, Crappy Weather, Bad Weather, Winter, Coat, Gloves, Mittens, Heater, Frost, Scarf, Polar Fleece." A more comprehensive list will follow.
Sincerely yours,
The rest of the US
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